I set out on December 31st with high expectations of myself and my writing. I laid out my goals ahead of me, breaking them down to manageable pieces and feeling confident set off into the great adventure that was 2012. Things were looking up!
And then it hit. Like a ton of bricks, everything I had been trying not to feel and/or deal with came at me. I usually try to keep my personal life out of here, mostly because it's not sunshine and roses, and partly because I'm not a emotion sharing type person. But the problem with doing that is one can only push it out of the picture for so long before it really bleeds into other aspects of life. Unfortunately for me my personal issues have taken control of my life and I am struggling to get it back.
Long story short, my sister and best friend died suddenly in October at the age of 33. I miss her with every fiber of my being and the pain of that loss is immeasurable. Two days before we had been talking about her coming to visit at Christmas and now I live with knowing that I will never see her again. She was my only sibling and we had just become friends a few years back. I told her everything, she was my cheerleader, my voice of reason, and the person to push me even when I didn't want to be pushed.
Which brings me to "A Big Bunch of Fail". I set out this month to stop making writing just a hobby that I do sometimes to it being a job. I set goals for daily, weekly, and monthly that were attainable and concrete which all goals should be. But what I failed to factor in was the sadness that I had been able to push aside for these past few months. My sister's birthday was January 11 and for some reason it was more difficult than Thanksgiving and Christmas combined. I think that the numbness finally wore off and everything I couldn't feel before I felt now. I stopped writing. I didn't care about it any more, I just couldn't. I couldn't do anything but wallow in grief and self pity.
Then, after a long conversation with myself over the past few days I realized that I shouldn't do that anymore. I felt as though I was letting my sister down. She wouldn't want me to be miserable, I think it was her goal in life to make sure that everyone was happy. Not being one to want to disappoint my big sis, I have decided to take back control of my life because I am the only one who can. So instead of December 31 being my New Year's Eve, January 31 is going to take that spot. I still have a chance to reach every goal and deadline I set for myself in 2012. And I'm going to do it! So that list of goals I wrote for myself in December is going to stand, only every date pushed back one month. I'm no longer going to beat myself up because I missed a thing on there (okay, all things). I'm starting fresh and only moving forward, no more looking back.
So tomorrow night I'm going to toot the horns and set off the firecrackers all over again. Happy New Year to me!